How to Let Go of Those Apron Strings

Sometimes, when mothers get to a certain stage in their lives, where their kids are grown or almost grown, we don’t really know what our role is anymore. We aren’t done mothering yet, and we haven’t reached the “friends with our children” stage, so we just fall back on the familiar territory of us being the mother and them being the children who still need us for everything.

This attitude can be damaging to the mother/child relationship however, and there are valid reasons for that! From the time they were born they have needed you for many things, everything at times! Now, they haven’t really reached total independence from you, but they certainly don’t need you as much as they used to either. This stage is hard on parents, particularly mothers, but we need to learn to readjust to this new mothering situation, instead of trying to pull our kids back into the familiar.

I want you to take a moment and look at your child. I mean, really look at him or her. Sometimes we can see them as still 6 or 10, when they are 18 or 22, and this can be a source of frustration to them! Look at your child as you would a stranger at that age. What do you see? Chances are, they are confident, competent and can do a lot more by themselves than we like to think. This is the time when we as mothers need to learn to step back – not a huge step, mind you, but a step nonetheless – and let our kids start to live their own lives. This is a scary concept to us, because we want to protect our kids and keep them from making the same mistakes that we made. Well, guess what? There is not way to keep them from their own mistakes. Think about it – would you be where you are today had it not been from some of those mistakes and what they taught you about life?

Another issue mothers and grown children have at this stage is the advice problem. I am sure you know what I am talking about: you see a problem your child is having, and your first response is to give your wise advice. However, instead of them looking to you as the ultimate solution to their problems like they used to, they are now irritated by your advice and say things like, “If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it Mom!” What happened? Well, what happened is that your child is grown up now and desperately wants to figure things out on their own, but he still needs and wants his mother to talk to. Except he doesn’t want you to respond – just to listen! If you truly want to give your advice, sometimes the only way to do it is to keep it to yourself. When they want it (which they WILL, never fear!) then they will come to you and ask you for it.

This process is a hard one for most parents, but the important thing to remember is that your role as a mother never stays the same; it is constantly changing and evolving, and you need to learn to change with it! Learn to let go and watch them grow up and be more independent. You know the saying, “If you love something, set it free and if it is yours it will come back?” Well, your children are yours – they always will be, and if you let them go, they will always come back! Letting them go is the healthiest and best way to keep them close.